Feeling lonely? Prepare in advance and smash it with a simple plan!
Happy New Year everyone! I need to start by saying that the Christmas time was extremely busy for me and that’s why I took a short break off blogging. There was no new episode of my You are what you eat series last week, but it will be coming tomorrow. Now, however, I’d like to talk about something else. I’ve mentioned a few times on this blog my failed relationship. Today, it’s been exactly a year since the breakup. And on that occasion, I thought I’d share the story with you.
I have to admit I used to be one of those believing that love only happens to everyone once and lasts a lifetime. I thought it was simply impossible to stop loving someone. Sadly, now I know how wrong I was.
I was in a relationship for nearly 3 years. We had both good and bad times, like every couple does, but I was convinced it would be the relationship for life. Unfortunately, with my caring nature, I soon got into the giver’s spot in that relation, while my ex-boyfriend stayed on a receiver’s position. And although I didn’t mind giving the loved person all the best, it wasn’t a balanced situation. Before I realised, it got to the point where all my effort was taken as a given and I couldn’t expect anything in return. Not that I had high expectations, but when, from time to time, I hoped for something small or asked him to do me a favour, it either went unlistened or was done with a lot of suffering and complaining. And each situation like that only led me to lower my expectations even more, ending up being left without any. Now I clearly see how bad it was, but even then I had that thought somewhere in the back of my head.
A month or two before Christmas 2015, I started to feel that the relationship was slowly but surely heading to its end. I didn’t want to believe in that and I was trying to push the last bits of hope to the top of my mind, but deep inside I knew it was going to end. I still loved him then, and I loved him many months after. But the day I found out he didn’t love me was the coldest day in my life, for many reasons. November 2015. Me, my ex-boyfriend and his best friend were hanging out in town. The plan was to go to a bar or two and just chat and enjoy ourselves. However, the two got a better idea mid-evening. They had a friend who then worked in a small petrol station in the suburbs – they wanted to go and visit him there. On most days I wouldn’t mind that. But that day was the beginning of winter, the weather was awful and the temperature was very low. And I was not prepared to spend the evening outdoors (the station only had a small cabin for the employees, we couldn’t all get inside). I have to say here that my cold tolerance is far below average – I’m the kind of person who often wears a jumper in 30°C cause it’s not warm enough to take it off. In winter, I can wear the thickest clothes I can find in stores and I’ll still be shaking and turning into a human icicle. And on that day I wasn’t even wearing the thickest coat, as winter came unexpectedly after a few warm weeks. Maybe it sounds silly, but physically it was one of the worst experiences of my life – spending around an hour trapped in the suburbs of my town, literally shaking from cold, because of an unplanned visit my company decided to pay their friend. I didn’t want to ruin their time so I just suffered in silence, jumping from foot to foot and walking in circles to warm up my body just a little bit. I didn’t want to say anything out loud, but soon it became clear how hard of a time I was having. And then I saw it. My ex looked at me, and in his eyes I saw ice, colder than the air between us. He didn’t say a single word, but his eyes did. ‘Stop being cold, can’t you see I’m having fun here?’. I realise how silly it sounds. But we were 24. Mature, adults. And he saw nothing wrong in me literally freezing because of his impromptu idea for some ‘fun’ meeting.
We stayed in the relationship for a while after that event. Christmas came and our tradition was to discuss the main gifts with each other, so that we could both get something we wanted or needed instead of a bunch of random, not necessarily needed or liked stuff. He had a very specific choice of the main gift he’d like to get, but only one online store sold it at that time. He sent me a link to the item saying he was aware that the gift would most likely arrive after Christmas. That’s indeed what happened, and January came. We decided to go to a cafe, where I could give him the gift and where we could spend a nice afternoon. Also, it happened to be the same cafe we went to on our very first date 3 years earlier. And those were the only two times we were there. The first, and what later turned out to be the last date.
We’d been in the cafe for around an hour, having a nice, argument-free time, when he said he didn’t feel well. He insisted on going to our homes and meeting again the day after or so. That’s what we did.
I got back home, got on my PC. So did he. And like always, we talked there… kinda. Basically, he just wrote to me to break up.
A 24-year-old educated man with a serious job, broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years on an online chat, right after taking her to the place where they went on their first date and having collected his Christmas gift. 2 weeks later, he spent a weekend around 300 kilometres away from home, with his new girlfriend.
We met twice after that, accidentally, many weeks later, and only exchanged a few words.
Looking back and trying to be objective, I did nothing to deserve that. And even if there were situations in which I did something wrong, I still believe that no one deserves being treated like that. One day you’re happy with your partner of a few years, the next day you get dumped via and online chat and never meet them again until some awkward moment months later.
The way it all ended should have shown me his real value. But although now I can say he was an asshole who never really respected me as a person, after the break-up I was completely devastated. Like, completely. I spent the first two weeks in bed. Crying, refusing to eat anything else than my sedative pills, crying some more and getting nearly no sleep due to my heart beating as if it was gonna try to escape from my body. I would have stayed there for even longer, if it wasn’t for my finals at uni and a terrifying possibility of failing my life even more. I’d still have sleep problems and occasionally burst into tears for the next ~6 months. And even then, it only started to slowly heal.
After a whole year, I don’t know if I can say I’m entirely fine. I do clearly realise that he wasn’t worth me and my love. But on the other hand, it was my first that serious and long relationship. I had plans for the future and I have plenty of good memories, mostly from the beginning of it. It’s not something I’d like to erase from my head – I definitely learnt a lot from it. But at the same time, I was unable to smile and have any kind of fun for like half a year after it all got ruined. Also, I’m in the age when many girls get proposed to/get married or even already have their own house and a kid or two. And it feels so bad and hopeless that I’m all alone.
As I said, a few months ago I started to slowly recover from this whole situation. I changed my environment and spend time with new friends, and it feels great and refreshing. I can genuinely laugh and have fun, something that I was nearly sure I’d never experience again.
New Year’s resolution? I’d like to write a part 2 of this story next January, in which I can sincerely say I’ve recovered and, most importantly, I’m happy with my life.
Alphe's Corner 
You’ve written a beautiful story though sad to have somebody do what he did to you; but happy you are strong and have come out of it. That is life. You have to be strong. I just wrote this today: https://yoursuccessinspirer.com/2017/01/04/one-sided-love/
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This has touched my heart, your right you did not deserve that and I admire you so much because you have worked through it and you have not become bitter about it either, somewhere is the perfect man for you, the man that will give you everything and more because you deserve nothing less. I for one cannot wait to read your next post in 12months time.
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Thank you so much for your kind words 🙂 Even though it was a tough experience I’ve managed to realise that it was just a life lesson learnt and I can move forward with some extra experience, I’m pretty sure the next entry will be even brighter than this.
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I know that your strong and your right it’s just a life lesson, loving your attitude. Keep writing 😉 your posts remind me of another blogger I follow who is called M v Loneliness.. you should check out his site that a great read too. ☺️
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I’ve literally come across it seconds ago, and I get why my post reminded you of him – I can totally relate to his words!
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Amazing really because his blog is all about his first year. 😳
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I want to thank you for writing this and sharing these moments and reflections that are so important when we talk about things like love and loss. These moments are important to remember. Not necessarily to commemorate but as a reminder of when things become so sharply in focus. ‘This isn’t a relationship’ ‘this isn’t love’ ‘this is less than I deserve’. I don’t know you, (though I am so eager to through your writing and I’m glad I found your blog) but unless you later admit to being some serial hacker or something, I can say that you definitely didn’t deserve to be treated, and left, that way. Hopeful now to follow you through all your thoughts and activities and passions, but also to see what you write a year from now.
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Thank you for such kind words! I wanted to share this story because one year ago I was absolutely sure there was no hope for me, but – fortunately – it turned out I could actually, slowly but surely, recover. And if I could, everyone can too.
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It’s tough, and I can’t even imagine the magnitude of a three year relationship. I felt like I’ve loved someone for three years and when I finally had another chance with her and it imploded I thought that was it. But you keep going and you tell a good story and you learn and suddenly you’re a better person at the end. And then you start a blog and share your thoughts and help the world too. Hahah.
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I’ve liked this story because of the encouraging and hopeful message at the end. What he did to you wasn’t kind or fair. It is a testament to his character when accepting a gift knowing he would end the relationship that evening. Worse, using the gift with his new girlfriend; someone he obviously knew beforehand. He’s a scoundrel and you deserve better.
I didn’t find the man I would spend my life with until I was just turning thirty, after a few failed attempts earlier in life. I grew as a person tremendously throughout my twenties.
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That was certainly a very educational experience for me. But the good old motto turned out to be right – what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. There was a time when I was sure I was going to die of broken heart – now I’m just a stronger person with some precious experience.
Thank you for kind words and a supportive message 🙂
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This is so raw and honest. And you’re right – if he had the slightest respect for you, he wouldn’t have dared demand a Christmas gift or drag you along like an unwanted puppy he could kick to the curb. Nobody deserves to be treated as expendable and worthless – not you, not anybody.
Ending a long-term relationship in which you were incredibly invested is like a losing a loved one. The grief is overwhelming. I hope you are able to take solace in your friendships and I wish you all the best as you continue to heal. ❤
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Thanks for the supportive words, it has indeed got better and I’m sure everything will continue going in a right direction 🙂
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Very brave to put all that out there for everyone to read. It’s of little comfort but I think most of us have been there at some point. Most wouldn’t have the courage to share something so personal though, me included. I’m glad things are on the up. When the time is right, you’ll meet someone wonderful. 🙂
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Hi, i can relate to being dumped online, though mine was a email that i stumbled upon in january after christmas. He didnt even have the courtesy to tell me he had sent an email. I shudder to think i would have been thinking i’m in a relationship when it was all over! That was more than 5 years ago, you tend to get better eventually. I believe when you write next, you’ll have moved on completely, all the best and great blog1
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Extremely sorry that that happened to you. Absolute joke he took you to where you had your first date and then broke up via text. I had a serious relationship in 2013 which lasted a year. A snake in the grass slithered along, poisoned us against each other, and came in as the knight in shining armor to fuck her for a couple weeks and toss her. 2014 was one of the worst years of my life, but 2015 was one of the best after I somewhat let go. I think once you love someone you don’t ever stop, but it takes a new form as a light of awareness inside. Breakups can be great once the mourning phase is over because they show you what you won’t tolerate anymore, they give you a more refined idea of what you’re looking for in someone else, and also what you appreciated the most about a person to look for in the next person. Hope you start to feel better and that 2017 is an amazing year for you and you find someone better! Glglgl
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You’re absolutely right – a year after the breakup I know for sure that I’ve learnt a lot from it and – hopefully – that experience will help me avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
Thanks for the kind words, hope you have an amazing year too! 🙂
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I’ve read this I think a week ago and my heart broke for you. You’re a really beautiful person inside and out (No I’m not just saying this) I hope you know and I guess you do know now that you deserve someone better right? ❤
I'm really sorry about what happened to you and I'm glad you've bounced back from that sad experience. I'm always here for you if you need someone. 😀 Friends? ❤ xox
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Thank you so much!
I’m a lot better now, but coming to the point of realization that maybe I deserve something better took waaaay too long.
And yeah, one of the reasons why I started blogging was to make new friends 😀 It’s always great to meet someone who understands and who you can talk to 🙂
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December 10 was my two year divorce anniversary. My husband texted me that he wanted to separate and emailed me that he wanted a divorce. We divorced in December and he was married again in May. I feel you so much when you say that you know it was the best thing, but it still really hurts. By God’s grace, now it doesn’t even really feel like I was ever married, that’s how healed from it I am. You will recover, I promise!
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The only company you are guaranteed for life is your own. I could wish that didn’t sound bleak, but the reality is that it is not bleak at all. Like a room you furnish with all the dear and warm things that you wish to keep near, so too, keep yourself close, and beloved. I am in my sixties, beloved and living with my love. We live a life that is rich and startling, full of adventures shared. But I think that started to be possible when I realized for myself the statement I wrote at the beginning of this comment. Bless you and may good keep you, all the days and nights of your life.
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Thank you! I completely agree with that statement. I may be far less experienced at life but after some failures involving relations with other people I realized that we can’t be truly happy when the happiness depends on another human being. It’s not always easy, but for the past months, maybe a year, I’ve been focusing on building a good relationship with myself. And it’s definitely the right way to go for me – to first build a good relationship with myself, and then, maybe, let other people inside that fortress.
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Looks like this was a few years back now but what a thoughtless person he was. I’m so glad you were able to move forward and recognize you don’t deserve that!
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I think it’s been 3.5 years now. Time flies! But yes, it took a while but I managed to pull myself together!
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